If you are a naija lady reading this, you are
probably dating a naija guy. Or hoping to date
one. Or even worse, you are married to one. And
there are those times when you change the
channel to something you really like but it makes
your man hiss
/walk out of the room/break a glass table. Well,
here are five things Naija guys generally hate
watching.
1) Telemundo : Everyone knows ladies love all
those soppy romantic soap operas from Mexico
or the Philippines where you hear English their
lips are not speaking. And when DSTV decided to
introduce it as a full channel on their premium
bouquet,it seemed like our ladies had died and
gone to heaven. Not so for guys who were once
content with giving up an hour each day to their
girlfriends/wives to watch Diego and Paloma kiss
and make up for the, like, one billionth time in one
season now having it all up in their business for
twenty four whole hours. A friend of mine who
works at multi-choice once told me that a man
once called in their customer service to find out if
there was a way to remove Telemundo from even
showing up on his channel list. Ladies, if you
don’t want your man to decide to buy Go-TV or
Startimes instead, you might want to cut down on
all that Telemundo watching.
2) Reality TV: Now, don’t get me wrong, Naija
guys do watch some reality TV shows. Just not
the type you find on Style Channel, TLC and the
rest. Like Jerseylicious (which has to be the most
pointless thing I have had to endure on TV thanks
to my sister. I mean, every episode is about those
two skanky girls bi.t.ching at each other. What’s
with that?). We naija guys find most reality TV
shows pointless. I mean, why should I watch
someone live their life when I have my own life to
keep an eye on. And even worse is that some
naija ladies pick up some completely ridiculous
ideas from these shows. So Ice bought a diamond
ring for Coco – ehen? Did you ask me how much
I am making and how much he is making? And
don’t even think I will pour chocolate on your
hairy legs and lick it off because one skanky
Khardashian says it’s the most romantic thing on
the planet. And while we are on that point;
3) Khardashians; Sure, we naija guys do not like
a lot of reality TV shows. But we reserve special
dislike for the annoyingly unending family drama
led by one talentless being in any of the twelve
billion Khardashian family shows (some ladies
were expecting to see “Kim And Darey Take
Lagos”. Darey is not a Khardashian, ladies and
we are thankful that didn’t happen). I mean, one
just wonders what naija girls love about one TV
show where half the time the women are weeping
enough tears to sink Noah’s Ark and there are
only three men with only one of them tapping any
Bottom. I had to put my foot down on this one when
my sister started watching it. If Kim wants to
weep about how black Kanye is, that’s fine but I
would rather not have to watch her do it. So
ladies, spare your man the torture, ehn?
4) Nollywood: No, not all naija guys hate
watching Nollywood movies. But just check the
ratio of men that watch Nollywood movies to the
ladies. Way more ladies watch Nollywood, right?
Voila.
Here’s the thing; guys generally love fast paced
action, even in movies. But the closest Nollywood
comes to fast paced action is Hanks Anuku
growling in that Swahili accent of his that’s
supposed to be American while lugging a gun
that’s clearly made of plastic. I mean, who wants
to watch that when Tom Cruise, Jason Statham,
Johnny Depp, Matt Damon and their likes can
keep you at the edge of your seat. Another
problem is that an inordinate number of
Nollywood movies are romance. Even when the
movie is about getting rid of an ancestral curse in
a village, they still manage to rope Chika Ike
making googley eyes at Mike Ezuruonye. And we
just can’t chill with that.
5) Singing Contests ; Except he is gay or one of
the few exceptions to the rule, naija guys
generally don’t have the patience for all these
Nigerian Idol, project fame and the rest of the
singing contests we see on TV. Once Gulder’s
Ultimate search is done, that’s it for most naija
guys’ TV contest slot for the year, till the
following year. I mean, some ladies can remember
every contestant on these singing shows for
years. And when another season starts, she goes
– “oh, this guy sings just like Sam from season
two!”. And you are confused because you don’t
know who Sam from season two is. And, quite
frankly, you don’t care. Mainly because a
Champions league match is going down, but you
can’t watch it because your lady is cooing at
some other guy singing on TV.
And you desperately begin to hope the guy is gay.
probably dating a naija guy. Or hoping to date
one. Or even worse, you are married to one. And
there are those times when you change the
channel to something you really like but it makes
your man hiss
/walk out of the room/break a glass table. Well,
here are five things Naija guys generally hate
watching.
1) Telemundo : Everyone knows ladies love all
those soppy romantic soap operas from Mexico
or the Philippines where you hear English their
lips are not speaking. And when DSTV decided to
introduce it as a full channel on their premium
bouquet,it seemed like our ladies had died and
gone to heaven. Not so for guys who were once
content with giving up an hour each day to their
girlfriends/wives to watch Diego and Paloma kiss
and make up for the, like, one billionth time in one
season now having it all up in their business for
twenty four whole hours. A friend of mine who
works at multi-choice once told me that a man
once called in their customer service to find out if
there was a way to remove Telemundo from even
showing up on his channel list. Ladies, if you
don’t want your man to decide to buy Go-TV or
Startimes instead, you might want to cut down on
all that Telemundo watching.
2) Reality TV: Now, don’t get me wrong, Naija
guys do watch some reality TV shows. Just not
the type you find on Style Channel, TLC and the
rest. Like Jerseylicious (which has to be the most
pointless thing I have had to endure on TV thanks
to my sister. I mean, every episode is about those
two skanky girls bi.t.ching at each other. What’s
with that?). We naija guys find most reality TV
shows pointless. I mean, why should I watch
someone live their life when I have my own life to
keep an eye on. And even worse is that some
naija ladies pick up some completely ridiculous
ideas from these shows. So Ice bought a diamond
ring for Coco – ehen? Did you ask me how much
I am making and how much he is making? And
don’t even think I will pour chocolate on your
hairy legs and lick it off because one skanky
Khardashian says it’s the most romantic thing on
the planet. And while we are on that point;
3) Khardashians; Sure, we naija guys do not like
a lot of reality TV shows. But we reserve special
dislike for the annoyingly unending family drama
led by one talentless being in any of the twelve
billion Khardashian family shows (some ladies
were expecting to see “Kim And Darey Take
Lagos”. Darey is not a Khardashian, ladies and
we are thankful that didn’t happen). I mean, one
just wonders what naija girls love about one TV
show where half the time the women are weeping
enough tears to sink Noah’s Ark and there are
only three men with only one of them tapping any
Bottom. I had to put my foot down on this one when
my sister started watching it. If Kim wants to
weep about how black Kanye is, that’s fine but I
would rather not have to watch her do it. So
ladies, spare your man the torture, ehn?
4) Nollywood: No, not all naija guys hate
watching Nollywood movies. But just check the
ratio of men that watch Nollywood movies to the
ladies. Way more ladies watch Nollywood, right?
Voila.
Here’s the thing; guys generally love fast paced
action, even in movies. But the closest Nollywood
comes to fast paced action is Hanks Anuku
growling in that Swahili accent of his that’s
supposed to be American while lugging a gun
that’s clearly made of plastic. I mean, who wants
to watch that when Tom Cruise, Jason Statham,
Johnny Depp, Matt Damon and their likes can
keep you at the edge of your seat. Another
problem is that an inordinate number of
Nollywood movies are romance. Even when the
movie is about getting rid of an ancestral curse in
a village, they still manage to rope Chika Ike
making googley eyes at Mike Ezuruonye. And we
just can’t chill with that.
5) Singing Contests ; Except he is gay or one of
the few exceptions to the rule, naija guys
generally don’t have the patience for all these
Nigerian Idol, project fame and the rest of the
singing contests we see on TV. Once Gulder’s
Ultimate search is done, that’s it for most naija
guys’ TV contest slot for the year, till the
following year. I mean, some ladies can remember
every contestant on these singing shows for
years. And when another season starts, she goes
– “oh, this guy sings just like Sam from season
two!”. And you are confused because you don’t
know who Sam from season two is. And, quite
frankly, you don’t care. Mainly because a
Champions league match is going down, but you
can’t watch it because your lady is cooing at
some other guy singing on TV.
And you desperately begin to hope the guy is gay.
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